To celebrate the release of Greig Beck’s new Alex Hunter novel – Kraken Rising – I was asked to research  terrifying things that live in our deepest oceans. As a land based mammal I’ve always enjoyed swimming and now I can’t any more so why should you?

Remember, the following creatures were made in darkness far away from the eyes of a loving god.

Enjoy!

Humpback Anglerfish

The Humpback Anglerfish aka The Common Black Devil is the reason your child vomited in fear during Finding Nemo and a solid metaphor for teens about the dangers of meeting someone in a nightclub holding a glow-stick.

Seriously, anyone still holding a glow-stick and raving at 3 am is dangerous.

Vampire Squid

Bright red with webbed tentacles. Inside this balloon of death are suckers and spikes and, I kid you not, two jaws! The Vampire Squid is the deep sea equivalent of that Goth kid with fake fangs and a cape – we get it, calm down and remove at least one accessory.

Please.

Gulper Eel

I have a long standing beef with eels in general (long story short I almost fell in a pond once) but the Gulper Eel, or Pelican Eel, makes me want to settle down and live with ordinary eels.

Which I’ve decided to stop calling Bastard Pond Snakes and will now be known as Mud Puppies. Because Gulper Eels.

Frilled Shark

The Frilled Shark has been described by scientists as a ‘living fossil’ because that’s the science way of saying ‘OMG you guys I can’t even’. It has up to 300 trident-shaped teeth which rotate outward when the jaws are distended and there is some speculation about how it hunts – either rearing up and striking like a snake or using it’s light coloured teeth against it’s dark mouth to trick squid into attacking and getting eaten. So…

…yeah.

Pacific Viperfish

Dear Pacific Viperfish,

Why are you? Your teeth don’t fit inside your mouth and you have the light-bulb vibe going on too? What’s the point?

I want to understand you but you’re just too much. Please just don’t any more.

Giant Squid

The Giant Squid aka Colossal Squid is quite big. Like really big – bigger than you’re looking for in your calamari. Eyes the size of dinner plates, the Giant Squid is very likely the reason that some fish evolved to get out of the water in the first place.

It’s the main reason I’m never going back in.